Dog parenting styles

I’m an avid book reader, and this one was such an easy read. Actually I got it first as an audio book, like I often do, but then I liked it so much I had to get a paper copy as well. A lovely friend who is a certified dog behavior consultant suggested it. Let me just say that if you pick up this book, you’re in for a treat. Among many other topics, author of this book: Tender paws, Wendy Lyons Sunshine has kindly described and delineated three styles of dog parenting. If you wish, you can substitute word parenting with guardianship or leadership. I will do so myself sometimes. I’ll try to summarize the three types here, because it was such a helpful subject we all know intimately but rarely spell it out and analyze it. Ok, here it goes…

Firstly, the authoritarian style.

This is the my way or highway style parenting. “You will do so because I said so” style. Questioning human authority is not an option, and the dog has to abide in any circumstance at any time.

There are many things wrong with this type of parenting. And we see that it doesn’t work in the human world either. It is unfair because it does not take into account circumstances, feelings, and learner’s level of understanding. This type of parent will deny their own shortcomings of teaching the dog to the level of proficiency. They often don’t understand how dogs learn (canine learning theory). The dog will often be chastised for not listening, being stubborn, also accused of knowing better and refusing to obey, and will be punished as a consequence of ‘disobedience’.

This is an unfortunate relationship in which the dog is doing his best to figure out what the human is trying to communicate. Often this dog learns something different than what was intended for the dog to learn, because the parent is inexperienced in understanding canine behavior and learning styles. This is a relationship that will have many ups and downs and hopefully the parent will seek professional help and guidance to learn how to be a better partner for her dog.

Next, the permissive style.

This style of parenting or guardianship is quite problematic. The parent can’t say no to the dog, literally and figuratively, even when it’s in dogs‘s best interest to have firm boundaries. The parent believes that their deep love for dog(s) equals saying yes to most of their needs. And wants. This relationship is full of guilt and conflict because the owner will know that sometimes things cannot go the way dog is dictating them. Certain situations can even be harmful to the dog. Hence the conflict and often this parent finds themselves in inner struggle justifying to themselves really why the dog cannot have all their wants met whenever it demands them.

This relationship can become risky if the dog is particularly pushy, confident, and high strung.

Sometimes positive reinforcement parents are being accused of permissiveness, by default, because they avoid use of punishment. That may be the case for an inexperienced dog parent who just learned that they’re not supposed to use harsh treatments in training. It is human nature to over correct, especially if we feel guilty about our past mistakes, and don’t know how to be kind and firm at the same time.

And then there is the authoritative style of parenting.

This style of parenting is what I like to call sturdy or benevolent leadership. Note this is not authoritarian style. Authorita-rian, authorita-tive. In authoritative parenting style parent does not impose blind authority over the dog, but instead builds clear boundaries of expectation in relationship and behavior.

A sturdy parent stands by the dog in times of big emotional distress and supports the dog through the process of regulating their behavior. A sturdy leader doesn’t expect behavior control from the dog in upsetting circumstances. She understands that the dog may not be yet able to handle their big feelings. Ability = knowledge and understanding.

Important difference between a sturdy vs permissive parent is lack of coddling by the sturdy parent when minimizing a moment of distress. Just being with the dog and offering physical support and boundary vs trying to quickly calm, soothe, take away stress. A sturdy parent knows stress is inevitable part of life and will intervene when stress escalates towards overwhelming or dangerous to the dog or anyone else involved. A sturdy leader will protect but will not coddle or punish. This parent is a pretty savvy, well balanced and kind leader.

What kind of dog parenting style are you practicing? Or which combination of styles? I’m sure your dog parenting style has changed over the years, maybe decades. Mine definitely has. We have certainly evolved as dog owner society as well, and there’s always space for improvement and further growth.

Ok, if you’re anything like me, you have some thinking to do after reading this. Happy dog parenting!

PS. Remember professional and credentialed dog trainers are there to help and offer advice

😉💙

My sisters new Lagotto Romagnolo puppy, Zaja [Za-ya]